How to be a Supportive Partner to Someone with Depression
Knowing how to help your partner when they’re struggling with major depressive disorder can feel intimidating and stressful. Your support and love can go far for your partner when they really need it. These are some of the ways that you can show up better for your partner when they’re struggling with a bad mental health day.
Poor Mental Health Can Take a Toll on Relationships
I want to first address that depression and mental illness can take a toll on any relationship. There will be good days and bad days- both for each of you as individuals, but for your relationship as well. This goes for any relationship, but it can be amplified when one or both people are struggling.
First, know that this is no one’s fault and as long as both you and your partner are committed to grow together, you’re doing pretty damn good!
Educate Yourself on Major Depressive Disorder (MDM)
The first thing you’ll want to do if your partner is struggling with depression is to learn about it. Learning about depression will give you a better understanding as to what your partner is going through, which may allow you to be more empathetic and helpful.
It’s important to know the symptoms that come with depression so you’ll understand what to expect. Because of the nature of depression, it will also be important to be aware of the warning signs of suicide as well.
Symptoms of depression:
Low energy & fatigue
Changes in appetite
Changes in sleep habits
Struggling with memory
Struggling with concentration
Struggling to put thoughts together
Loss of interest in hobbies and typical habits
Struggling to take care of daily needs (nutrition, water, movement)
They may also experience anxiety with their depression
Suicidal thoughts
Warning sides for suicide:
Talking about suicide
Extreme mood swings
Thoughts about death
Changes in daily routine
Substance abuse
Losing interest in hobbies
Isolation
Changes in sleep patterns
Giving away belongings
Saying goodbye
Mentions feeling like being a burden
Sudden improvements to their mood
Irritability
If you’re concerned about the safety of your partner or have questions, you can call mental health hotlines for more specific advice and questions! 988 is the national suicide & crisis hotline. You can call or text them with 24/7 access!
Ask Your Partner What You Can Do to Help
The next step is to ask your partner what they need help with. Everyone’s wants and needs when they’re struggling will be different so asking your partner directly is the best thing you can do!
Here are some common requests of those who struggle with depression:
Reminders to take medications
Going to therapy or doctor appointments with them
Encouraging them to go for walks or get exercise
Making them healthy meals
Giving them more hugs
Giving them time alone
If they appear to want help but aren’t sure what it is that they need, you can also ask questions such as:
Do you want space or do you want me to stay here with you?
Have you been taking your medications or vitamins?
Do you know when your next doctor/therapy appointment is scheduled?
These questions will help you better navigate where they may be struggling and help you better understand where you can help.
Your partner may also get frustrated with “needing” or accepting help because depression can make a person feel low about themselves, so needing help can oftentimes trigger more depression or anxiety.
If you think this could potentially be your partner, you can instead ask for their permission to help with a task (ie: “Is it okay if I remind you to take your medication tonight?” or, otherwise, present your help as a “gift.”
An example of this would be if you know they’re struggling to eat, you could make a healthy meal for some quality time and present it as an at-home date together rather than making it seem like you’re doing it because they can’t do it themselves.
Make Them Feel *EXTRA* Loved & Supported with Positive Reminders
When there is constant fuzziness and disruptions in thoughts, this can create negativity in the mind. Giving positive reminders to your person shows that you’re here to support them and may help to get them back to the present. The more consistent you are with your words and actions, the more powerful this will be.
Some positive things you can say to your partner:
“I’m here for you, always”
“You’re going to get through this and I’ll be here with you every step of the way to help you”
“I’m happy you’re in my life”
“You’re not alone”
Bonus points if the positive reminders are written down on a sticky note for them to go back and look at when they’re alone.
Extra bonus points if you get them a positive & cute mental health reminder in the form of a painting as a gift (it helps support someone else’s mental health journey when you buy this - 100% of the profits go towards someone else struggling, how cool)!
Learn Their Triggers
Learning their triggers will help you better understand which situations need to be carefully managed. If being in unfamiliar environments tends to leave your partner feeling depressed or anxious, this will be good to know and to possibly avoid while (hopefully) working through these triggers.
Some examples of triggers may include:
Lack of communication
Family / family events
Conversations about childhood
Violence
Physical illness
Stressful or new environments
Learn Their Love Language
If you or your partner have never taken the love language test, this is something fun you can both learn about together!
When your partner is struggling with depression, being given a little extra love in the way they’re most receptive to it can make such a positive impact to show that you care.
There is usually one or two dominant love languages that a person is really receptive to and values in their relationships. Your person may receive love the best when it comes in the form of quality time and physical touch, but your love language may be words of affirmation and acts of service. It’s important to keep one another’s’ love languages in mind when showing appreciation for your partner. Knowing how to better love your partner can make all the difference!
The love languages are:
Acts of service (try making them breakfast in bed)
Receiving gifts (try surprising them with a music playlist to listen to when they’re sad)
Quality time (try surprising them with a staycation or “at home” date night)
Words of affirmation (try, “I’m proud of you for…”)
Physical touch (try giving them a back rub or long hugs)
You can take the love language quiz here!
Remind Them About Important Tasks
It’s not uncommon for those who struggle with depression to also struggle with taking care of themselves. One of the biggest reasons people with depression struggle additionally with health issues is because it becomes challenging to take care of basic needs.
Having you to remind and even help them can be beneficial, especially because continuing to keep up with these healthy habits will allow them to come out of that dark place sooner.
Some things they may need reminded on is:
Taking a shower
Brushing their teeth
Eating healthy meals
Taking their medications
Taking their vitamins
Setting and going to doctor’s appointments or therapy
You can also help them by setting alarms and reminders on their phone.
Encourage Them to Try Therapy or Additional Help
Therapy may not be an option for everyone, but if your partner is really struggling and can’t seem to manage without your help, its important that they seek professional help. This may mean going to a doctor’s check-up to figure out the next steps, asking the doctor about trying medication, or finding a therapist in the area.
If this is their first time, it may be something that seems scary, intimidating, or embarrassing. If you’re willing, they may also appreciate you helping to find the right solution and going to the appointments with them.
Encourage Them to Participate in Self Care Routines With You
Taking care of themselves may be hard, but having a partner who is supportive and encouraging may help get the ball rolling again.
Here are some simple ways to get started with a self care routine together:
Reading positive affirmations in the morning
Guided meditation before bed
Going for daily walks
Making home cooked, healthy meals
Dancing in the living room to your favorite songs
Journaling: try writing 1-3 good things that happened that day
This will also be a win for you because you’ll get to prioritize your own self care too!
Actively Listen to Your Partner
It’s easy to get distracted and be preoccupied with other things in conversation. Be mindful that when they’re being vulnerable with you, you’re actually sitting down, making eye contact, and showing that you’re listening.
This includes:
Setting your phone down
Asking questions
Repeating what they said to show you hear them
Validating how they’re feeling
Asking if they want advice or just for you to listen & empathize
Avoid Asking Questions or Making Statements That Could be Perceived as Judgement
You may think doing this is helpful, or maybe you’re trying your best with these statements by getting your partner to “realize” how good they have it and that they “should” be happy. Unfortunately, this can be invalidating to someone struggling with mental health.
Avoid saying things like:
“Other people have it worse than you”
“What is there to be depressed about?”
“Why are you making this into a big deal?”
Instead of saying the above, work on validating their feelings and remember that this is a disorder because it causes disordered feelings, thinking, and functioning. If you’re asking these questions because you’re truly wondering, it may be a good idea to instead take some time to learn more about depression and the mental health.
Don’t Forget to Take Care of Yourself Too <3
If you’re a loving and caring person, its hard to see your partner struggling; you want to be there for them as much as possible. Just remember that you can’t pour from an empty cup and taking care of yourself ISN’T selfish. You have to create space and time within your day for yourself with hobbies, self care, and social or family events too.
You deserve to have boundaries and be respected as well. Mental health and depression isn’t an excuse for your partner to treat you poorly; if you feel disrespected and there isn’t effort for improvement, then you have the right to do what is best for you, whether that means taking more space or leaving the relationship. This hopefully isn’t the circumstance, but its worth mentioning as well.
Knowing how to navigate and make your partner feel more loved is a beautiful thing and important for the longevity of your relationship! Thank you for caring about your person and continuing to work on finding ways to love them better.
